Entering a New Stage of Motherhood

     So, last month my first baby turned nine.  NINE!  And it hit me that he is not a little boy anymore.  He is in the thick of his childhood, as close to his teenage years as to his preschool ones, and we are as close to high school graduation as we are to the life changing day I first held that precious boy in my arms.
      Also, last month I nursed my last baby for the last time.  As I was thinking of these two events, I did some calculations and realized that I got pregnant with Carson nine years and nine months ago.  Three of those years have been spent pregnant and about four and a half of those years have been spent nursing. Basically, a large chunk of the last decade of my life has been spent growing a baby, feeding a baby, or thinking about/planning when to grow the next baby.  And now here we are.  E is sixteen months and there is no thoughts of a new baby on the horizon.  And it is a weird feeling.
     A part of me is excited.  Excited to have my body back, excited to watch these four precious children grow, relieved to not have to experience the early months of pregnancy and postpartum again, ecstatic to give away a tub full of maternity clothes to my sister in law.
    But another part of me is mourning just a little bit.   I don't enjoy being pregnant, but I love, love, love the feeling of my baby kicking and moving around inside me.  And although I have struggled postpartum (especially with Carson and Elliot), there is nothing that beats the specialness of those first few days with a new baby (the first few months are special also, but a little harder once the crazy hormones and sleep deprivation start to kick in).  
    Another part of me is in disbelief that we can even be here yet.  Wasn't it just two minutes ago that we were the young couple expecting their first baby?  I love parenting young children. They are challenging years, but they are so precious, fun, and I love knowing that almost any problem can be solved by mommy.  Treading into these big kid years makes me nervous (and I'm so happy I still get to enjoy the toddler/preschool years with my two little boys!)
     Growing up, I always dreamed of getting married and having kids and here I am.  It is more challenging, rewarding, soul stretching, crazy inducing, and beautiful than I ever could have imagined and I feel so blessed to be where I am in life right now.  I feel stretched to my limits many days, but there is also a feeling of peace.  I know I am where I am supposed to be and there is nothing else I would rather be doing that nurturing and caring for these little ones.  I feel grateful that I have a body that has been healthy enough to carry them and nourish their little bodies.   There are times when a part of me may momentarily long for that pre baby body or moments when I find myself daydreaming of the day when going on an outing does not include diaper bags, one and/or three year old tantrums, carseat buckles, and strollers, but overall I just feel grateful.  If some stretch marks and whining (although why so MUCH  whining?) are the trade off for the absolute joy these children that call me mommy bring into my life I would make that trade every single time.  "A million times a million" to use a Mason expression.

My Babies

Carson

Carson getting bathed in the hotel that Mike's company  put us up in while we waited for our stuff to arrive.  My advice:  NEVER move 800 (or any distance) miles with a three week old.  

First Christmas as a family of three

Oh, my little man. He's so big...but he still sleeps with a stuffed monkey, calls me Mommy, and wants to snuggle.  I am trying to drink up these days of his childhood even as the water slips through my fingers much to quickly.  

 Abby

Three of Mike and I's siblings are married and I have been pregnant every. single. wedding.  Although my brother's wedding, I was just barely pregnant and you couldn't tell, but still I was technically pregnant.   When my sister got married, I was eight months pregnant with Abby and the maid of honor.  And when one of my best friends from highs school got married and asked me to be in the wedding, guess who was the six month pregnant bridesmaid?  If I am ever asked to be in a wedding again, I'm looking forward to not having to adapt the dress/skirt to a pregnant body!  

Our little girl.

 So happy and so very tired

Abby's blessing day.

Our little family of four.

I love this girl so much it makes my heart hurt.  She is is such a strong, sweet, little girl who loves her family fiercely.  She loves it when we get one on one time together even if it's as simple as going on our bike loop or running to the grocery store down the road.  I love listening to her stories and getting insights into her heart and mind and cherish these moments we get together.  

 Mason

About to pop

Beautiful little boy. 

 And here's where I go back in time and remind myself to get professional newborn pictures of the two oldest children also.

And then there were three...

First holidays with babies are always so much fun. 

This boy!  If anybody needs some sunshine in their life, I can loan you sweet Mason for a while.  He tells me multiple times daily how much he loves me, how much he loves his family/his day/legos/going on walks/the mountain we see when we turn into our neighborhood/preschool and anything else he is thinking of that day.  I love getting a front row seat to his love and enthusiasm for life.  

Elliot

Seventeen weeks pregnant with E.

The moment I wish I could relive a million times. 

Sweet little face

And our Elliot man.  The first year of his life was hands down the hardest year of mine, but there was never a day when I wasn't grateful for this precious boy.  Even days when he wouldn't sleep for more than two hours a night or days when he wouldn't let me put him down (still happening).  His smile lights up the room, his laugh is contagious, and his baby scent is one of my favorite smells.  He adds a sense of completeness to our family and brings out the nurturing side in all of our older children.  
        Although his love for his mommy can be overwhelming and a little suffocating at times (I have never had a baby so hard to leave!), I am treasuring the quiet moments I get rocking and holding my baby and trying to love the not so quiet moments I get while I do pretty much everything with him on my hip, because I know they will be gone before I know it.

The five best things that ever happened to me.

Although I wrote this post  contemplating this change in motherhood, I can't not mention my husband.  I feel so blessed to share this parenting journey with him.  He is an amazing, hands on dad to our children and they all adore him.  He picks up the slack when I feel like I am going to go crazy, and helps calm my often irrational mommy fears.   He comes home from long days at work and jumps right into helping with dinner, clean up, and the sometimes seemingly endless bedtime routine to get our four darlings in bed.  

I feel so blessed.