My nightstand full of newborn stuff. If you look closely, you'll notice the mattress in the far left of the picture doesn't have a sheet on it. That's because they early, early this morning Baby M had a massive spit up and they are now in the wash.
Having a newborn seems to create piles of stuff. Stashes of diapers and wipes strategically placed throughout the house, binkeys of several varieties (trying to find what he likes), blankets, burp rags on the sides of couches and chairs, little socks, etc. This is not to mention the toys that seem to explode especially when Mom is not quite up to her full self (luckily I have Mike home for one more week before I will try to take it all on my own). I like order, I like organization, I like schedules but it's just not possible to have it all with a baby. And the random stuff and chaos seem to fit with the ping pong of emotions and thoughts that go back and forth through me all day.
Kiwi says she is not a BIG sister, she is just a LITTLE girl. We assured her that she could be both and that she is definitely still our little girl.
She snuggles Mason with love to the point that I have to tell her to be careful one minute
And then asks me, "Why did we need a new baby in our bamily (family)?" and this morning even said she didn't like him (I know it's to be expected, but it still makes me feel like I'm not doing something right)
I can not get enough of kissing and holding Baby M.
I feel sad that I am not spending as much time with my other children.
Every morning I stare down the maternity clothes hanging on the hangers and gaze longingly at the pre-pregnancy clothes folded and stacked on the shelf above them. Neither group of clothes fits.
I'm relieved to not be pregnant anymore.
I miss feeling him kick and move around inside of me.
I am incredibly grateful that I am able to nurse my babies
I dream of somebody being able to give him a bottle at 3 a.m.
Amidst all the conflicting emotions and hormones, however, the overwhelming feeling I have is that of gratitude. For this sweet little baby boy and his wonderful brother and sister. I am thankful to have us all here together and for this time we have as a family with Mike off work.
And I am trying, really trying to enjoy it. I feel like a stumbled blearily through Little Man's newborn stage (made worse by the fact that he was not a good sleeper and that we had no idea what we were doing) and that I willed my way through Kiwi's first few months. I have always enjoyed being a mother, I just enjoy it more when they are a little older.
I named this blog "Embracing Motherhood" because that really is my goal. I don't want to look back at these years when my kids are all grown and regret not enjoying them. I want to soak in these days of my little ones being home with me and not rush their already too brief childhoods. I have enjoyed all my years as a mother, but especially this last one. I don't know if it was the awareness of Little Man going to school, but I feel like I have really made a conscious effort to "be there" with my kids and I have loved it.
So, that's my goal with this baby. I can't control the craziness or a newborns schedule. I can't control the hormones that accompany having a baby. But I can hold him and snuggle him and love him. I can choose to read my children a book instead of cleaning up every little thing. I can remember that someday I will sleep all night and someday (probably sooner then it seems) we will have a schedule and getting three kids to the library won't seem like such a momentous task to me. And we will walk to the park and go to play groups and do projects and I will be able to go running and be away from my baby for more then an hour, and wear something without a stretchy waistband.
That's all coming.
But this is now.
And who couldn't love this?
Yesterday he actually got dressed in real clothes and even spent an hour looking around with his eyes open.
The whole experience was exhausting and he zonked out for the rest of the afternoon.